Happy Birthday Ryan! Has it really been sixteen years?

Over the years the searing, hot pain is felt anew by a heart yearning for what it cannot have.  Sixteen years and I still want to hold you one last time.

Yesterday I walked down that long, wide hall looking over my shoulder fighting the urge to run back to you.  The ripping pain is enough to bring me to my knees.

I stop, bent over I catch my breath.  The reasoning in my head is almost enough.  Then memories of smiles.  Two people waiting, longing for you.  I place one foot....  then another...  then another...

Out the door and halfway down the walk I stop.  I turn.  I breathe.

You were so small and perfect.  Your creamy skin without blemish.  Then you waved your little hand and a fingernail marked your cheek.  The tears flowed at the red scratch I had not protected you from.  The first of many cuts, bruises, and pains I failed to keep you from.

There is so much I will miss.  I am a mess.  I will always be a mess.  I can't seem to get off this couch, or stop these tears.  I wait for something.  There is a panicky tightness in my chest.  I want to scream.  I want the world to know of my pain.

Sixteen years later I still feel it.  My heart longs.  My head knows.

I am nervous today.  I have to let you go.  This is the moment to be brave.  There is a catch in my throat as the judge asks me the questions I knew would come.  Can I do this?  My answers come with much more assurance than I feel.  It is done. 

There was a man strong but understanding, loving yet disciplined, a provider.  There was a woman gentle, sweet, and caring.  She knows my pain.  She has felt the pain of longing.

I walk away with the comfort of knowing the couple will look out for you, love you, want you.  They will give, sacrifice, and pour on you more love than can be measured here on earth.

There have been thoughts of 'what if', but no regrets.  My love is just as strong sixteen years later.  The pain is just as deep.  The door has always been open.  Now, there is a young man who blooms from love and care.  Trying to find his way.

Will your life be any easier because of the choice I have made?

 

 Ryan, you were loved!  You are loved!  You will always be loved!

Your brother sends you Happy Birthday wishes too!


 

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