We cuddled, talked, laughed, prayed, and listened to the radio as he slowly drifted to sleep. Every night he chooses either a tape of classical music or his favorite Christian radio station. I am so blessed by his love for music.
Music has always been a part of my life. Both of my parents instilled in me a love for music. The emotions and feelings that are stirred by beautiful lyrics or by an instrumental piece make me feel closer to God. I've always been able to slip the cares and worries off my shoulders while listening to music and experience His loving grace. It's also easier to count my blessings when the everyday problems are lifted away.
My sister returned to her home in Oklahoma over a week ago. I miss her comforting presence. For five years I have felt alone and completely responsible for the care of my mother. While she was here we shared the burden. As I remember what my son said after the third day of her visit, I'm filled with joy.
"Auntie is a miracle, isn't she mom?"
It was more of a rhetorical question. She's my oldest sister, and I've always looked to her for wise council and strength. She's not perfect, but her patience, love, humility, and wisdom always fill me with comfort and wonder. Her ability to be calm in a storm amazes me.
Halfway through the second day of her visit she admitted to being overwhelmed by our circumstances. The fatigue and exhaustion was clearly etched on my face. The mother she once knew is gone, replaced by a bitter, angry, defeated woman. I know it broke her heart, and the concern for my health and happiness was in the forefront of all our conversations.
What do children of an aging parent do when faced with this situation? Would my mother be better off in a nursing home? Would she get the care and attention she needed, or would she get worse? Is the daily stress and tension on me worth it? I've worked so hard at helping my mother, it doesn't seem the right time to give up yet. Is it "giving up" to say enough is enough?
We discussed options and possible issues. We looked at a nursing home and debated the pros and cons. We prayed, and in the end decided to let go and let God. My sister can't force me to make a decision, but she will assist me any way she can. At least now she has a better picture of what our life is like, I have the support I desperately need, and together we can do what's best for our mother.
I fell asleep while cuddling with my son. It took an elbow to my brow to remind me of the chores waiting for me. As I was gently extracting myself from the comfort of my son's warmth I listened to this song on the radio. A smile slowly made its way across my face, and the tears ran down my cheeks.
When the song was over I stayed for one more minute, counting my blessings and praising God in the storm.
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