Passive-Aggressive Behavior, A Plan - Guest Post

If you have identified passive-aggressive behavior in your children and know that your typical responses to it are not working, then you are ready to make a plan that does work.

An Analogy to Help us Focus

Let’s use a simple analogy to help us see the problem more clearly. Think of yourself as the employer and of the child as the employee.  Employees are expected to perform tasks within a time frame.  If they do their work well, they keep their jobs and receive benefits.  If they don’t, they’re fired.  My boss expects me to come to work on time and to work when I get there.  She doesn’t call me every half-hour to cheer me on or to remind me that I need to keep working.  She doesn’t promise to buy me lunch if I work hard.  She doesn’t even threaten that she will fire me if I don’t work.  And she doesn’t call me names if I slack off (at least not that I’m aware of) or threaten to call my husband to squeal on me.

Apply the Analogy to Your Situation

Simply apply the analogy to your situation.  You are the boss and you have the control.  Your kids are expected to perform tasks within a time frame.  If they don’t, they should suffer the consequences.  Take some time to write out your expectations and some natural consequences for failure to comply.  Don’t announce them.  Don’t warn and hint.   Simply fix them in your mind. The next time they pull a passive-aggressive stunt, let them and don’t say a word.  Then, when it is time, follow through with the consequence.

The First Example

Sally is supposed to complete her language arts and math before lunch.  By noon, she hasn’t even started her math.  What do you do?

You prepare and eat a fantastic, delicious lunch (make it superbly out of the ordinary), but eat it quietly and alone.   When she comes to the kitchen, you calmly say, “I’m sorry, Sally.  I guess you missed lunch.  Your work isn’t done.  As soon as you finish, let me know and I’ll make you a snack.”  It’s important that you say this with no accusing tone.  It should be a statement of fact, delivered in a loving way.  You are genuinely sorry for her.  Don’t gloat, and make sure the snack is nutritious but boring.  If you think it will be hours before she will be done and you don’t want her going that long without food, then have a pre-made snack ready on a teeny, tiny plate and let her take it to her desk so that she can nibble as she works.

This may sound horrible, but you won’t have to do this more than once or twice. Trust me; it works.

The Second Example

You ask Sally to clean her room.  She spends the afternoon goofing off and doesn’t begin cleaning.  You make a mental note, but say nothing.  You go about your business (remember, it is not your problem).  Later that day, when it’s time for her to watch her favorite show or go outside, etc, you say, “I’m sorry, Honey, you can’t do that today because you didn’t obey me earlier when I asked you to clean your room. ”

Then follow through—no negotiating, no backing down, not even if she flies to her room and frantically does the job as fast as she can to make up for it.  The consequence is not for neglecting to do the job; it’s for not obeying you when you first gave the instructions.  A wise person once said that anything less than instant obedience is disobedience.  And consequences must follow disobedience every time without fail.

When you start to take back control, expect resistance in the form of whining, accusing and arguing. Whatever you do, DO NOT DISCUSS THE MATTER OR ARGUE WITH YOUR CHILD. This is the fastest way to lose ground. You are above that.

A Second Analogy

Can you imagine being stopped by a police officer and debating the terms of your ticket?  How about promising to drive slower to cancel the fine?  Can’t you see the cop kicking your tires, screaming or begging you to take the ticket?  How about stopping other motorists and whining, “She never wants to take this ticket!”  How ridiculous!  Police officers are in authority and their calmness and confidence show it.

You are in authority in your home.  Be calm and confident.  Don’t back down, don’t threaten, warn, discuss, debate and don’t argue.  There is something pathetic about an adult arguing with a young child.   It demonstrates weakness to the point of helplessness and desperation.  Confidence and calm inspire admiration and invite others to follow and obey.  Remember, you have complete control of your kids’ lives.  Simply follow through and watch the change.

You Will all be Happier

You will be happier and so will your kids when you regain control of your home because your home will become a peaceful place again.  None of us is happy with anarchy.

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Dianne Dachyshyn is a freelance writer and a motivational speaker who lives in Edmonton, Alberta, Canada.  She works as a home education facilitator, helping homeschooling families plan their programs and deal with challenges.  Dianne is passionate about teaching children to write.  Visit her website at HomeschoolWell.com.

Source: http://www.homeschool-articles.com/passive-aggressive-behavior-some-examples-and-a-plan-to-take-back-control/

photo credit: Alex E. Proimos