I humbly give for thee oh Lord

I wearily sit on the cot while the nurse asks my mother questions she will never be able to answer.  She sits in the wheelchair gripped by pain that has haunted her for years.  My brain is foggy from a slumber it does not want to leave, but my mother's fogginess is caused by something more devastating.  With a slight shake I pull myself together to answer, almost mechanically, questions I have answered a million times before.

The nurse leaves with clipboard in hand while I watch, as if from a distance, my mother and my very young son interact.  He soothing her in a paradigm of contradictions.  These are the days she should be strolling along a lake holding his hand introducing him to new discoveries.  She should be soothing him from skinned knees and bad dreams.  Instead he is growing old before my eyes as he cares for her.

Feelings of disappointment and despair overwhelm me.

I walk just outside the room, tears of remembrance rolling down my cheeks.  My mother, once so strong in body and spirit, is slowly giving up on life.   It holds nothing for her anymore.  Even her love for God and the witness she once was, cannot pull her from this decline.

The remainder of her days look to be filled with more pain management medication.  A once vibrant, fruitful mind wasting away in a fog of drug induced sleepiness.  A body once energetic and capable enough to labor ten hours a day can barely move from wheel chair to bed.

Could this have been prevented?  Probably... Possibly...

If only she had gotten the recommended back surgery years before.  If only she had taken the time to exercise and eat healthier.  If only she had made better choices when she could.  If only...

If only...

It was a short stay in the hospital, but the damage was done.  My mother was given the care she needed, and that was most important.  The balance between work and rest seem always uneven for me.  There is never enough time to make up for lost sleep.  The deprivation is taking its toll on my own body.

I tend to be more impatient lately.  Have I given up too?  Am I losing time to take care of my own needs?

If only...

Conversations with my mother only bring frustration.  Her medicated fog and diminishing faculties contribute to many arguments and misunderstandings.  The tasks demanding my attention need to be repeated over and over again.  Moments of joy and laughter are so far apart and fleeting.  It's a never ending, mind numbing, body aching grind. 

Who is the Master and Ruler of this life?  What kind of life is this that you've given me?  It's too much to ask of anyone.  I seek knowledge and understanding of your will Lord.

"Fire tests the purity of silver and gold, but a person is tested by being praised.  You cannot separate fools from their foolishness, even though you grind them like grain with mortar and pestle."   Proverbs 27:21-22

There is no end to my tears of humility, and although Your forgiveness is quickly given, I continue to feel the pain from my lack of faith.

Why do I serve You,  Lord?  Is it for attention and praise?  Have I not been asked by You to give of myself for my mother's sake?  Who am I to question Your motives?  You know the road is long and hard, but You are always there.  I am not alone! You revive and rejuvenate me.

The shame and guilt become remnants of a humble heart.  There is thankfulness and praise to the One who does not turn His back on a wretch like me.

photo credit: joeldinda