He Carries Me!

The rain is falling... or is it my tears? 

 

It's so hard to keep it together.  I have people waiting, but I just can't everything done.  There are dishes to wash, meals to make, pills to distribute, appointments to make and keep.

 

School is waiting.  Why is it so hard to get him motivated?  He has it all set out ready to go.  I focus on him, but he wants to play, draw, sleep.  There is work to be done first.

 

There is a pile here, a pile there.  The trash needs to be taken out, the mail brought in.  Clothes to be folded and put away.

 

The toilet backed up again, and the maintenance man can't get in for another two days.

 

The hours slip into weeks.  The weeks slip into months.  It has been five years, and it feels like I haven't made headway with anything.  I look back and wonder, "Was I really living or just coping?"

Sometimes coping is enough.

A friend is upset because I haven't been in contact.  A neighbor comments that I don't stop to talk anymore.  The church family are murmuring because we've missed so many Sundays.

I worry about what people think.  Why?  They're not walking in my shoes.  They don't know what it's like, waking up to a cranky, unhealthy, unhappy, miserable person everyday.  Loving her through the pain and misery, caring for her when I really want to run and hide.

Taking care of the monotonous chores that seem to never end.

The hardest part are the questions.  How's your mom doing?  Why is your mom taking so many pills?  Why don't you make your mom get out more?  Why isn't your mom losing weight?  What are you feeding her?  What about your son?  Doesn't he deserve more?  Why did you take him out of public school?  Wouldn't he be better off in public school?  What about you?  Are you taking care of yourself?  Have you lost weight?  Why are you doing this to yourself?

It shouldn't matter what others think or say, but for some reason it has captured me.  It won't let go.  Maybe I'm holding on too tight?  Letting go is hard.

I pray for answers.  All I hear is, "bloom where you're planted."  I'm trying to bloom.  Am I blooming, or just shriveling with time?  Is the fight worth it?

I know He carries me!

I will celebrate in the opportunity to give, care, and love. 

Yes, the fight is worth it.