Getting punched, physically or figuratively

There's nothing like getting punched in the stomach.

It literally takes your breath away, and for a split second your brain shuts down.  All thoughts cease while the pain registers in your mind.  Your body instinctively goes into a fetal position in an effort to protect itself from further assault.

Being figuratively punched by someone's actions or words is not much different.  Your emotions take a similar position.  Your body becomes motionless, and you may even have that deer-in-the-headlights look in your eyes.  Not sure how to react, you close up, shut down.

Finally your brain begins to function and the upper-most thought to enter your mind is - Escape.

I was figuratively punched in the stomach early one morning.  While working at the computer, my son came from his bedroom crying his little eyes out.  He'd just awoke from a long and, what I thought, restful sleep.  I Immediately stopped what I was doing and went to him.  After fifteen minutes of inconsolable crying I tried to find out what was wrong.  This only produced a pained look on his face and more tears.

What could cause my son so much distress?

Many hugs and tissues later he was able to form a few words.  Through the tears he mumbled that his heart hurt.  He shared about being lonely and scared, and that he missed his "fun" mommy.  He didn't want me to work so hard.  He knew I'd been going through something, and I was angry and upset.  He didn't want me to be that mommy anymore.

Punch!  Punch!  Punch!

I didn't know what to say, so I escaped by avoiding an answer.  Without words I carried my son back to bed.  I kissed and hugged my hurting child, tucked him in, and rubbed his back.  I tried to sooth both of our hurting hearts by humming him back to sleep.

Afterward, I jumped in the shower, and instead of falling to the floor in pure and utter defeat like I wanted to, I silently cried and prayed.  I asked the Lord to forgive me for failing as a mother.  I gave my Father God my son's pain, and my own.  Then I asked for His help.

A few years before this I tried to fix my shattered life with glue and tape, thinking I had the power to restore it to some semblance of it's former condition.  What happened instead was a week spent in the hospital, away from my son, and a total collapse of my ability to function.  I cried for days until there were no tears left to cry.

The deepest depression I had ever experienced set in.  I was also diagnosed with PTSD (post traumatic stress disorder) brought on by my failed relationship with my son's violent father.  What I thought would be the happiest days of my life with a man who supposedly loved me turned out to be a living nightmare.

I ran for my life, and my son's, only to endure years of harassment and fear.  Most days I'm able to cope through working extra hard, or by "faking it until I make it".

Now every year or so my son's father receives a little too much pressure from the government for not paying his child support, and in turn he starts threatening me.  This is happening right now and I try so hard to keep it from my son, but he knows something is not right.  The letters started arriving, emails are flooding my inbox, and a court order will show up any day now.  To say my nerves are on edge is putting it mildly.

As a single parent I've done, and am doing, the best I can.  My son knows my love for him is limitless and completely unconditional.  There are times when life is just not fair though, and there are circumstances beyond his understanding that I have to deal with.

But some of the pain he is experiencing is just the normal process of growing up.

My son is also unhappy because the older he gets the more expectations are placed on him for increased responsibility.  He understands discipline will be administered if there is a failure on his part to follow through on those expectations.  He has chores and school, and during stressful times I am hyper-sensitive to chaos, clutter, and misbehavior.  When my son tells me I'm not fun anymore, I will admit it's probably true.  But I need him to do his chores and get his school work done.

He is too young to understand I'm barely keeping my head above water with finances.  My brain is functioning at an insane pace, and all the thoughts and contacts I need to remember is only possible if my environment isn't full of chaos.

I don't want to have to think too hard about what to cook, clean, or attend to otherwise nothing will get done. 

On top of all that, I'm in constant pain.  I have a herniated disc in my neck, tendonitis in my left arm, and osteoarthritis throughout my body.  I've also had excruciating pain in my left shoulder for two months, and I have no idea what is wrong.  Do I have time to take care of it, NO.

We're both unhappy living in California.  I've already made the decision that we must move.  But, and it's a biggy, I don't feel comfortable leaving my mother.  I am here to help with her health care and financial decisions, I'm available at a moments notice if she needs me, and my phone number is the only one she remembers.  She needs me, and I want to be here for her.

So, even though some aspects of our life aren't normal, both of us need to be mindful of what is normal. 

"It's awesome to realize today was in God's mind and plan long before this earth was created.  He knew you would be where you are at this very moment, living in your present circumstances, facing the kind of pressures you're enduring... and experiencing this moment of quiet reflection.  Bow and thank Him.  Turn over the controls of your life to Him.  Admit your weakness, your hypocrisy, your tendency to worry, your deep need of His presence and counsel in your life.  Take a few minutes right now to become completely preoccupied with Him... who has lovingly brought you to your knees.  Read Psalm 23."  Excerpt from The Quest for Character

My life is only beautiful from a distance.

Now that I've gotten real, whined, complained, and shared thoughts with you that I won't share with my son, I want to thank you.  And you can see my life is only beautiful from a distance, I hope you will allow me to encourage you.

I've been surfing the internet, reading post after post, and story after story from a lot of you who don't know why you blog, why you keep struggling, why you don't just throw in the proverbial towel.  I want you to realize that it's because there are people like me who may not visit daily or make it over to read every one of your posts, but we need you.  You make the world seem smaller, more friendly, and you bring the blessed joy of fellowship we need.  You offer hope, you're something to hang on to, and you're beautiful from a distance.

Let God guide you and what you write, and use your blogs to bless others!  You are a blessing to me.

photo credit: w4nd3rl0st (InspiredinDesMoines)